If you’ve ever been through a divorce or separation and you have children then one of your biggest concerns will be about how the divorce will affect your children. My son was 10 when I left my ex and he had a hard time with it. Children learn very quickly what pleases a parent and what annoys them and they are a lot smarter than we give them credit for.
Believe it or not many children learn very quickly how to manipulate their divorced parents. You might not believe it about your children, but it is a very common issue that occurs. Of course with my son it happened even before the divorce, he always tried to play the two of us off the other. He even tried to manipulate his teachers, they called me in for a conference and told me about things that he was up to.
Children of course want their own way just as we adults do and they often figure out how to manipulate very effectively. It’s not just the older children that do it though, you will see that the young ones are also quick studies, they just go about it in different ways. If you’re in the process of divorce you may give your children too much leeway. You really don’t want to do that very often.
A divorce is very traumatizing for all concerned and as parents we feel inadequate. That’s one of the reasons why children are able to successfully manipulate their parents. We don’t want to let our children down any more than we feel we already have. We also fear that our children won’t love us as much as the other parent if we don’t give in to their desires, but that’s not true.
You have to understand the difference between what your children actually need and when they are attempting to get one over on you. Children sense that your vulnerable and your defenses are down after a divorce and use it to their benefit. If you find that this is going on you shouldn’t be too hard on them because they are also going through some big changes.
You do need to let them know you are disappointed and that they aren’t going to be allowed to continue doing it. It’s understandable why parents would fall for this though. After all, they don’t want their children to be traumatized by what has taken place. They want to see their children happy and thriving in their environment. Make sure you are consistent with the rules you have set for your children though.
Children are always going to test the limits. They may even tell you they want to go live with their other parent when you don’t give in to them, Eric did this quite often. This will hurt you and they know it, but you have to stand firm and tell them that you’re sorry they feel that way, but that you are sticking by your decision.
It would be nice if communication were still open with your ex then you could work out similar rules for both homes.
When my uncle was divorced after 40 years of marriage his children, all in their thirties, manipulated the you know what out of him.